


Private Lives & Public Speaking

by my_mad_fatuation



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-08 15:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11649858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: Rae is a body positivity activist, author, and speaker, and Finn asks her to give a talk to his Gender Studies class.





	1. Chapter 1

“Dr. Nelson?” Rae asked as she knocked gently on the open door. She wasn’t sure she was in the right place, as the man sitting at the desk in front of her didn’t look old enough to be a professor. She’d always thought professors were, you know, _old_.

He looked up from the paper he was reading, seeming confused for a moment before recognition spread across his face and he smiled. “You’re Rae, yes?”

“Yep, that’s me,” she said.

“You can call me Finn,” he added, getting up out his seat to shake her hand. “Thanks so much for doing this.”

“Yeah, no problem,” she replied. “It’s nice to be back at my alma mater.”

“I guess I don’t need to give you the tour, then.” He laughed a little.

“I dunno,” she said. “Things might have changed in the last ten years.”

“Well, I’ve only been here for two, so I can’t say.”

“How long have you been a professor?”

“I’m a sessional lecturer, actually,” he said.

“And what does that mean?”

“It means they can pay me less and fire me whenever they want.” He laughed again. “But I’ve been doing this for about four years now, at various universities.”

“Wow,” she said. “It’s just, you don’t look old enough to have been teaching that long.”

“And you don’t look old enough to have written three highly lauded books,” he said with a smile.

She couldn’t help but get the feeling that he was flirting with her. “I don’t know about ‘highly lauded,’” she said. “They’re a bit niche.”

“Well, I think everyone should read them,” he said. “I make my class read an excerpt of one of them, even.”

“Thanks.” She was actually a little surprised that he’d read them, considering they were books about being a fat woman, and he was a slender-yet-muscular man, as far as she could tell. But she had written them in order to educate anyone and everyone, so she was glad to see they seemed to be working.

“Don’t worry, we pay full royalties on every copy we distribute,” he added quickly, though she hadn’t even been thinking about that.

“Okay…”

“So… should we go get set up in the lecture hall?”

***

Rae recognized the hall where the lecture was to take place, although the interior was completely redone. There were large, curved tables instead of the individual chairs with little flip up writing surfaces, and outlets at every spot for students to plug in their laptops. Perhaps a lot had changed in ten years.

She was a bit surprised at the size of the class, however. There was nowhere near this number of students in her own Gender Studies courses — though it was called “Women’s Studies” at the time.

She stood at the front of the room, behind a small podium with her notes. She cracked her knuckles anxiously as she waited for class to begin. Even though she’d been speaking at schools and conferences for years now, she still got nervous getting up in front of people.

Once she started talking, though, she was fine. She talked for over an hour, all about body image, eating disorders, media representation, and sexuality. She could have gone on talking for four more hours, but it was only a three-hour lecture, and they still needed time for questions.

“That was great,” Finn said to her, as half the students left the room for their fifteen-minute break. “Would you like to get a coffee with me?” he added, smiling.

“What?” she said. Was he asking her out on a date?

“I always need a caffeine boost at this point of the lecture,” he explained.

“Oh,” she replied. He was not asking her on a date. “Yeah, sure.”

Normally she wouldn’t drink coffee this time of evening, or she’d never get to sleep, but she figured she could use it to get through the question period after the break.

There was a coffee kiosk right in their building, but it had a huge line of students, so Finn took her across the way where there was another one that was less busy. It seemed he knew what he was doing.

They ordered their drinks and she started to get out her wallet, but he stopped her.

“I’ve got yours,” he said as he paid for both of them.

“You know,” she said, picking up her coffee, “I can take care of myself.”

“I know,” he replied with a smile. “You can get mine next time.”

Next time?

***

Rae and Finn returned to the lecture hall, and she fielded a bunch of questions from the students about body positivity. Most of them were fairly well thought-out, though she did get one, “But isn’t it unhealthy to be so fat?” She always got one of those, so she was used to dealing with it and she spouted a whole bunch of research — enough to confuse the student into submission.

She got a half-hearted round of applause at the end of the lecture, but she couldn’t blame them for their lack of enthusiasm. It was quarter to ten on a Thursday night; they all would rather be somewhere else.

“You’re quite good at this,” Finn said to her at the end of the lecture while he packed up his messenger bag.

“It’s almost like I do it for a living,” she quipped.

“Which reminds me,” he added, swinging his bag over his shoulder, “would you mind signing my copies of your books?”

“You… want my autograph?”

“I sort of collect them from authors I admire,” he said. “Is that… Is that really dorky?”

It was all she could do to keep herself from grinning. He’d just called her an author he admired. “No, I think it’s cute.”

“Come on,” he said with a small smile. “They’re back in my office.”

“Can I just ask you something?” she said as they walked back to his office.

“Shoot,” he replied.

“How did you wind up teaching Intro to Gender Studies, of all things?”

“Why? Because I’m a straight, cis man?” He looked like he was pretending to be indignant.

“Let’s just say, most cis men don’t know the meaning of ‘cis man,’” she said jokingly. “Or at least don’t refer to themselves as such.”

“Well, I majored in Philosophy,” he began, “and took a few courses on gender in that time. I sort of focused in on it in grad school, though, and I ended up writing my thesis on toxic masculinity.”

“Hmm. I might be interested in reading that,” she said.

“Trust me, you don’t want to read my twenty-something-year-old thoughts on the matter,” he said with a laugh.

“Hey, you’ve already read my twenty-something-year-old thoughts,” she replied. “It’s only fair.”

He glanced at her for a second. “Okay, I’ll send it to you.”

***

“They’re on the desk,” Finn said, pointing to a small pile of books once they were back in his office

“You really have all three,” Rae said, impressed, as she picked one up. “Should I just…?” She held up a pen that she found on the desk.

“Hold on.” He came up from behind and reached around her to grab a marker out of his top drawer. “Use this,” he said as he handed it to her.

She took the marker and began signing her books, while he continued to stand behind her. When she was done signing, she turned around and held out the marker to return it to him. She hadn’t realized how close he was, but she nearly bumped into him when she turned.

He put his hand around the marker, holding onto her hand with it. “Thanks…” he said, his eyes wandering over her.

“No…” she began as he moved closer to her, “…problem.”

She could feel her pulse speed up, and wondered if he could feel it, too, as his hand was still touching her wrist. She stared at his face for a moment. She was so close that it was hard to take it all in at once; she had to examine his features one at a time. God, he was lovely.

She figured he was probably thinking the same thing about her, the way his eyes scanned her face and the corner of his mouth curled up a little. At least, she hoped that was what he was thinking, because the next thing she knew she was putting her lips on his.

He took the marker and tossed it aside so he could put his hands on her. He pushed forward, causing her to bump into the desk behind her, which knocked over a couple of the books onto the floor. He didn’t seem to care.

She leaned back against the desk as she held onto him, his hands roaming over her body. He started to lift the sides of her dress so she began unbuttoning his shirt. He was, in fact, slender-yet-muscular, as she’d suspected.

When she reached the bottom of his shirt, she moved on to undoing his belt, and he ran his hands up the sides of her bare legs, stopping mid-thigh.

“What… are these?” he asked, sounding slightly amused as he felt the lace bands on her thighs with his fingertips.

She laughed a little, though she was slightly embarrassed. “Bandelettes,” she said. “They’re… to prevent chafing when you wear a skirt without tights.”

“Oh,” he said, smirking. “I thought it was some kind of kinky underwear.”

“Well, whatever works for ya.”

He continued to kiss her, moving his hands up her legs until he reached her hips, and she continued unfastening his trousers. He pulled down her underwear before helping her up onto the desk, then held her legs up a bit as he pressed himself against her.

“Finn,” she said as he kissed her neck. “Do you have a…?”

He stopped to look at her for a moment, confused, before he seemed to understand what she was asking. “Oh, yeah, I definitely… don’t have any…” he said slowly. “Fuck.”

“What, you don’t keep any in your office?” she teased. “What if some cute student comes by looking for some extra credit?”

“Fortunately, I’ve never found myself in that situation,” he said.

“Really? But you’re, like, a hot professor.”

“Sessional lecturer.”

“A hot one.”

“And you’re…” he began, looking her over once again as he rubbed the insides of her thighs with his thumbs. “Incredibly sexy.” He kissed her again. “Besides,” he added, his lips barely removed from hers, “there’s more than one way to…” His right hand moved further up her inner thigh until he was able to slip a couple fingers inside her.

***

“I’ve wanted to do this since the first time I saw you,” Finn said, resting his forehead against Rae’s, his breathing heavy after his arm workout.

“You mean four hours ago?” Rae asked with a soft chuckle.

He shook his head. “The first time I saw you was two years ago at a conference,” he said. “You did a talk about the importance of size acceptance in the feminist movement, and I felt a bit like a creep because all I could think about was how you were probably the most stunning woman I’d ever seen in my life.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I mean, you’re intelligent and passionate and confident and so fucking gorgeous—”

“Wow, um… Thanks, I guess.” She never knew what to do when someone complimented her, and no one had ever complimented her quite so enthusiastically.

“Is this the reason you invited to come speak to your class, though?” she added with a laugh. “So you could get me to your office for this?”

“No, of course not,” he said. “If it was, don’t you think I’d have been a little more prepared?” He raised his eyebrows at her. “Next time I will be, though.”

“Next time?”

“I was going to ask you to do another talk next semester.”

“Oh. Well, I’m sure I can be persuaded to come again.” She smiled coyly.

“Oh, can you, now?” he said, pulling her hips closer to him as he kissed her. “We’ll just see about that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae returns to speak to Finn's class the following semester, and he asks her on a date.

Rae smiled as the students politely clapped for her at the end of her lecture. Their applause was a bit more enthusiastic than when she gave a talk the previous semester, because this time it was the middle of a Tuesday afternoon in January and nobody had anywhere better to be.

It was a shorter lecture — only one and a half hours instead of three — so she’d have to return on Thursday to do a question-and-answer period with the students.

“So,” she said to Finn at the end of class as she was packing up her notes into her shoulder bag. “Should I come back to your office, or what?”

He smiled at her like he knew what she was suggesting. “Sorry, but I’ve got open office hours now.”

“Pity.”

“What are you doing tonight?” he asked, putting on his jacket.

“Probably just watching awful telly in my hotel room,” she said.

“Have dinner with me.”

“Really?” She wrapped her scarf around her neck and pulled her jacket closed without fastening it.

“Yes, really.” He laughed. “Why do you sound so surprised?”

“I just… wasn’t expecting it.”

“What, so I can finger you but I can’t go on a date with you?”

She looked around to make sure none of the students were paying attention to them before she smacked him in the arm. “I didn’t say that!”

“So? Dinner?”

“Okay, I guess…”

***

When Rae found out that having dinner with Finn meant that he was going to cook for her, she was a little hesitant, but it was too late to back out of it. He texted his address to her, and she had a cab take her there from her hotel.

She had changed out of her professional garb from the day and into the only outfit she’d packed that she thought would be appropriate for a _date_ – heavy leggings and a tunic-length blouse. Finn must have come straight home from work and started cooking, though, because when she got there he was wearing the same thing he’d been wearing when she saw him earlier in the day, and she worried that she may have looked like she was trying too hard.

“Hey, come on in,” he said when he answered the door, grinning.

She took off her boots and jacket at the door and followed him through his flat, where he gave her a brief tour. It wasn’t overly large, but not much smaller than her place, as far as she could tell.

“You collect records?” she asked when she noticed a large bookcase full of them.

“Yeah,” he said. “Well, I started when I was a kid, so most are from the eighties and nineties, but there’s a few newer things in there as well.”

“Never got into CDs?” She noticed there weren’t any around.

“I did for a bit, but I sold them all a while back,” he explained. “Now I just stream music when I’m not at home to play my records.”

“A bit of old and new school, I guess,” she said with a chuckle, tracing her finger along the spines of several of the album sleeves.

“Something like that.” He came up behind her and put his hands on her hips, resting his chin on her shoulder. “Dinner’s ready, by the way,” he said.

She turned her head towards him and he kissed her. “What are we having?”

“Homemade pad thai,” he said. “From scratch — none of that jarred stuff.”

“Oh, jeez, I forgot to mention that I’m—”

“Vegetarian, I know. It’s tofu.”

“Right, of course you’d know,” she said, shaking her head. She forgot that he’d read her books and therefore knew that she’d gone vegetarian in her twenties.

“I know everything,” he said with a grin.

She followed him to the kitchen table and sat down. “That’s true; you know a lot about me from my books, but I know almost nothing about you,” she said. “Tell me something.”

“Well,” he began as he brought their food to the table, “I grew up in Lincolnshire, like you did. I’m an only child. My parents split up when I was fifteen. And, um, I’m divorced.” He sort of mumbled that last part.

“Oh… That’s…” She tried to think of something to say. “When did it happen?” she eventually asked, though she wasn’t sure if she should.

“Last year,” he said, moving the food around his plate with his fork.

“Wow, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. We were together for five years, and it was horrible, so I’m glad it’s over.”

“I’m still sorry…” she said.

He smiled sadly without looking at her. “Yeah, well…”

“So, wait, so you were still married when you first saw me at that conference and wanted to—”

“Yeah, I’m not saying I was a great husband.”

“Did you cheat on her?” she asked curiously, without sounding accusatory.

“No, nothing like that,” he replied. “We just rowed a lot, about work and stuff. We just… weren’t good together.”

“Ah.”

“What about you, then?”

“What about me?” she said.

“I know you’ve never been married, but have you ever been close?”

“Nah” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve never been with anyone long enough to come close.”

“Really?”

“I don’t really do _relationships_.”

“You don’t do _relationships_?” he said with a frown. “What does that mean?”

“It just means this,” she said, pointing between the two of them. “I go on dates, I have fun. Nothing serious.”

“Oh. And that’s… what you want?”

“I just think relationships are too complicated. Don’t you agree?”

“I dunno…” he said, looking down at his plate again.

“Take your marriage, for instance,” she added. “You were lusting after other women but couldn’t do anything about it because you were tied into this _arrangement_.”

“That doesn’t mean relationships are bad.”

“I’d rather just have fun with people,” she said. “Don’t you want to have fun, too?”

***

The two of them barely touched their meal before they wound up in Finn’s bedroom, undressing each other. (Rae liked that he was still wearing a button-down shirt, because it made her feel like she was unwrapping a gift.)

He pulled her towards the bed once they were down to their undergarments and sat down. “This,” he said, tracing his finger over a tattoo of a bird on the side of her stomach. “What’s it mean?”

“It means I like birds,” she said, laughing because it tickled a little. “I got it when I was still coming to terms with certain parts of my body,” she added more seriously. “My stomach being one of the more difficult areas for me to learn to love. I guess I thought by adorning it purposefully like this, I would feel more connected with it. I dunno.”

He kissed her right on the tattoo and across her stomach. She was a little surprised that he didn’t say anything about the scars on her legs as he pulled her underwear down past them, although they weren’t as visible as they used to be fifteen years ago, and he probably already knew about them from her second book.

When she climbed onto him, she couldn’t help but think back to the days when she was too embarrassed about her body to ever be on top, when all she’d known were guys who wanted her to stay hidden, fucking her in the dark. Now she almost always preferred to be on top, where she could be in control. Any guy who couldn’t handle that wasn’t worth her time. She no longer felt embarrassed about the way her body wobbled, either, as she figured that she would probably never see most of these guys again. She was just there to get hers and get out.

***

Their second time that night, Rae was not on top but rather leaning forward against his dresser as he took her from behind. (Her idea.) The third time, however, was back in Finn’s bed, only this time he was on top. (Not her idea.)

She wasn’t sure how it happened, exactly. It wasn’t like they had planned on it that time. He’d just invited her to spend the night so she wouldn’t have to get a cab back to her hotel this late, but once they were in bed and he kissed her goodnight, one thing led to another…

It wasn’t as hard and fast as the other times, but there was still a sense of need and intention.

Not her usual style but, much to her surprise, she rather enjoyed it.

***

They fell asleep spooning, but when Rae woke up, Finn was nowhere to be found. She knew he couldn’t have just run off, though, as it was his flat. She carefully got out of bed, almost like she was afraid of waking someone who wasn’t even there, and got dressed.

On her way to the door, she was startled as it opened, and Finn nearly bumped into her.

“Sorry,” he said, bracing her by the shoulders. “I was just coming to see if you wanted me to give you a ride back to your hotel on my way to work.”

“It’s fine, I can get a cab,” she said.

“It’s no trouble,” he insisted. “Come on.”

***

After she got up and got dressed, Finn dropped Rae off at her hotel.

She unbuckled her seatbelt so she could lean over and give him a kiss when they were stopped. “Should we do something tonight?” she asked.

“Um, I can’t,” he said, turning his head away. “I’ve got a bunch of grading to do, so…”

“Oh,” she said, slightly disappointed. “I don’t leave until Friday, so we could go out tomorrow night—”

“This week’s just too busy. Sorry.”

“Okay… I guess I’ll see you at tomorrow’s lecture, then.,” she replied before getting out of the car.

What was she supposed to do, now? Her hotel room was so boring, she didn’t want to spend the whole day _and_ night in there alone.

Well, she could always go out by herself…

***

Rae wasn’t exactly sure where to go that night. All the places she used to hang out back at uni had changed names or were full of students. She saw a couple of women who looked around her age walk into a bar, so she followed them in, figuring it was probably the best place for her.

It was a little trendy for her taste, but the clientele seemed to be late-twenties to early-thirties, rather than being full of nineteen-year-olds. That being said, a drink was a drink, so she went and ordered one.

She scanned the place after the bartender handed her her drink, until her eyes landed on someone familiar.

Finn.

He was sitting at a table with his buddies, just chatting away, not grading assignments. She turned her head quickly when he looked in her direction, but it was too late; he saw her.

“Rae!” he said as he came up to her with a jog in his step. “I can explain—”

“There’s no need,” she interrupted. “I mean, you could have just told me you had plans with friends; you didn’t have to lie. But it’s fine.”

“This were just a spur of the moment thing,” he said, gesturing towards the table of his friends behind him. “It weren’t planned.”

“You’re allowed to do whatever you want. You don’t need to explain yourself to me,” she said. “I’m not your wife.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to see you—”

“You know what? I’m tired, so I think I’m just going to go back to my hotel room.” She took out some cash from her purse and slammed it on the bar to pay for her drink. “Have a good night.”

***

“Great job again,” Finn said to Rae at the end of the lecture the following day.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said as she put on her jacket, untucking her hair at the back. “Email me if you want me to do this again in September,” she added pointedly. “I’ll see you then.”

“Wait, Rae,” he said, holding her arm to keep her from leaving. “I’m sorry about last night. I just—”

“I told you, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” he replied. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want to see you…”

“You don’t need to explain yourself—”

“—It’s not that I don’t want to see you,” he repeated louder. “But I just can’t see you anymore.”

She wasn’t really sure what the distinction was. “Okay…” she said, trying not to let it show that it bothered her. She couldn’t help but take it a bit personally, for some reason.

“I mean, I can’t do this,” he said. “I can’t just hook up with you twice a year.”

“Fine, whatever—”

“Rae, I think I’m falling in love with you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae has trouble dealing with Finn's confession, but when she runs into him six months later, things have changed a bit.

As students began filing in, Rae realized that she and Finn were still standing at the front of the lecture hall when the next class was about to start. The instructor seemed confused to see them when she walked in. Finn gave her a polite nod before leading Rae out.

“What do you mean, you think you’re falling in love with me?” Rae said loudly once they were outside.

A couple of passing students turned to look at them and Finn lowered his head in embarrassment.

“Can we talk about this in my office?” he asked.

She followed him, but kept talking at high volume. “I just don’t understand how that’s possible!” she said. “We’ve collectively spent less than twenty-four hours in each other’s company.”

“That doesn’t matter,” he said quietly, hurrying towards his office. He quickly unlocked the door when they got there and steered her inside. “I feel like I’ve known you forever,” he added as he shut the door behind him.

“You hardly know me at all,” she said, arms crossed.

“I know you better than you think,” he replied

“Just because you’ve read my books doesn’t mean that you know me!”

“I know enough to know that I’m not going to get anywhere with you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.

“It means you don’t do relationships,” he said, “but I do. So I can’t see you anymore. I can’t put myself through that.”

“I thought… I thought we were just having fun.”

“We were. But things changed.”

“What changed?”

“My feelings about you.”

“But I don’t understand why,” she said. “What could I have possibly done to make you fall in love with me?”

“You didn’t _do_ anything,” he said with a sarcastic laugh. “You just _are_. You’re you.”

She looked at him like she had no idea what he was talking about.

“You’re amazing, Rae. Honestly,” he added. “And it kills me a little that I won’t get to see you every day.”

“I… What am I supposed to say to that?” she finally replied.

“I don’t know. What do you want to say?”

“I want to say that I think you’re out of your fucking mind,” she said. “I’m not worth those kinds of feelings.”

His face contorted into a pained expression, as if she’d just stabbed him in the chest. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I can’t reciprocate them!” she said, nearly shouting. “I can’t feel those things! How can you love someone who’s incapable of loving you back?”

“What do you mean, you _can’t_ feel them?” he asked. “Are you saying you’ve never loved anyone?”

“I love my family. I love my friends.”

“I mean romantically.”

“Ugh.” She rolled her eyes. “Romantic love is overrated. I think self-love is way more important.”

“Can’t you have both?”

“Romantic love leads to possessiveness, jealousy, fear of loneliness—” she said, counting off her fingers.

“It doesn’t have to,” he cut in as he grabbed her hand to stop her.

“Isn’t this better, though?” She pulled him closer and put his hand on her hip. “Can’t we just enjoy each other’s company for what it is? Can’t we just have fun?”

He put his second hand on her other hip and squeezed her gently, taking a deep breath as he looked her up and down. She slipped her arms around the back of his neck and kissed him.

He seemed to be getting into it, even allowing his hands to ride up the back of her shirt, but then he stopped suddenly. “I can’t,” he said.

She let out an exhale of frustration. “I don’t understand the problem.”

“I can’t be with you without falling in love with you,” he said. “And if there’s no way that you can love me back…”

“I’m offering you something better,” she replied, brushing her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. “I’m offering you freedom.”

“That’s… not what I want.” He took ahold of her arms and removed them from around his neck so he could back away from her. “I’ll… I’ll let you know about doing a talk in the autumn, then.”

He took another step back and opened the door for her to leave.

***

“Rae!”

She turned at the sound of her name and saw Finn walking towards her, his lanyard swaying with each stride.

“Finn, hi!” she said, a little surprised to see him.

He opened his arms for a hug when he reached her.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” she added when their brief hug ended.

“I’ve been coming to this conference for years,” he said.

“Me, too,” she said. “It’s the first time I’ve been invited to speak on a panel here, though.”

“I know.” He smirked like he was making fun of her for not realizing that, of course, he would know.

“Right,” she said with a laugh.

“You were great, by the way.”

“Thanks.” She smiled politely. “I get so nervous on panels.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“Are you mocking me?”

“No, seriously, you seemed perfectly confident up there.” He appeared to be telling the truth.

“Oh. Well, thank you.”

“Anyway, I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and ‘well done’ before I go to the next talk,” he said.

“The one on institutionalized heterosexism in education?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to that one, too.”

“Great, did you want to head over there with me? Then maybe we can get a drink and catch up.”

“Sure,” she said. “Sounds good.”

***

“My sister’s starting college this year,” Rae said as she picked up the pint in front of her. “It’s a bit scary, to think that much time has passed, you know? I’d just started college when she was born, and now I’m… here.” She took a sip of her drink and set it back down on the bar.

“Yep,” Finn said, nodding in agreement. “Time goes by pretty quickly. One minute you’re seventeen and life is swell, and the next you’re a thirty-three-year-old divorcé.”

“Your teen years were very different than mine if you consider them to be ‘swell,’” she said with a laugh.

“Relatively speaking,” he replied. “My problems back then weren’t as bad as my problems now.”

“My problems back then were so much worse than my problems now,” she said, staring down at her drink on the table.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine,” she said. “You’ve read my books, you know a bit about what I went through at school.”

“Right.”

“Anyway,” she added to change the subject, “it was nice bumping into you today.” She traced her finger along the rim of her glass. “Any chance we might bump into each other up in my room later? Or are you still too in love with me?”

“I… probably should have said something sooner…” he began.

“What is it?”

“It’s just that I… I have a girlfriend, Rae.”

“Oh.” She took a moment to let that sink in. “How long have you…?”

“About five months. Since February, actually,” he said.

“Wow. Okay. That’s, um, that’s good for you.” She tried to leave it at that, but she just had too many questions. “How serious is it?”

He looked away shyly. “Pretty serious, I guess,” he said. “She’s moving in with me next week.”

“What?” Rae snapped.

“I know it’s a bit fast, but the people she was letting her flat from decided they wanted to move in, so she’s getting kicked out and it just sort of made sense, I suppose.”

“And you’re… happy about it?” she asked.

“Yeah, I mean… Yeah,” he said. “She makes me happy.”

“I’m happy for you, then.”

***

“Which floor are you on?” Finn asked her when they got to the lifts of the hotel.

“Six,” said Rae as he pushed the up button. “You?”

“Eight,” he said.

She nodded as if that were an interesting piece of information, even though it wasn’t.

The lift doors opened and he pushed the buttons for the sixth and eighth floors when they got in.

“It’s been nice to see you,” he said, gently touching her hand with his as they approached her floor.

“You, too,” she replied, giving his hand a squeeze. She started to let go but he held her hand tighter. “Yeah?” she added as she looked over at him.

He stared at her for a moment, chewing his lip, and then kissed her all of a sudden. Before she knew it, they were embracing one another. They didn’t stop when the doors opened on the sixth floor, nor did they stop when the doors started to close again.

It wasn’t until they reached the the eighth floor that they gained enough self-awareness to exit the lift, but they kept their hands on each other all the way to Finn’s room. Rae even started untucking his shirt from his trousers while he tried to unlock the door with his key card.

They stumbled into the room, and he began smacking the wall as he kissed her, trying to find the light switch. The door had barely finished closing behind them when she started unbuckling his belt.

He staggered backwards, nearly tripping over his trousers as they fell to his ankles, and landed on the neatly made bed.

“Wait,” he said when she climbed on top of him. “I can’t do this.”

She looked down where she could feel him hard against her inner thigh. “Uh, I think you’re fine.”

“No, I mean, I shouldn’t,” he replied, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

“Is this because of your girlfriend?” she asked as she backed off of him.

He nodded. “I can’t do this to her.”

“Okay… But what do you _want_ to do?”

“That doesn’t matter—”

“Of course it does!” she said, taking a seat next to him as he sat up. “If you’re not able to do what you want to do, then your relationship is holding you back—”

“What I want,” — he grew louder — “is to be with someone who actually gives a shit about me. Unlike you.”

“If she gives a shit about you, she’ll let you do what makes you happy,” she said after reeling back in surprise at his outburst.

“Not everything in life is about self-gratification, Rae,” he said bitterly.

“Yeah, but neither is everything in life about pleasing others with no regards for your own needs.”

“My needs are being met well enough, thanks.”

“Fine, then I’ll go,” she said, standing up abruptly.

“Wait, I just—” he began as he pressed his palms into his forehead. “I don’t want you to be angry…”

“I’m not angry.” She laughed a little, though it came out really sarcastic. “You can do whatever you like. Because, you know, you were right about me; I don’t give a shit about you.”

***

Rae could hardly believe the sight in front of her. She’d just left the school’s auditorium after giving her talk and saw none other than Dr. Finn Nelson standing and chatting with some other professorial types, just a few metres away from her. She quickly went off in the other direction, hoping to avoid him by taking the long way around.

She honestly felt a bit bad that her last words spoken to him were, “I don’t give a shit about you,” and she sort of hoped that she’d never have to see him again. What was he doing at this university anyway? He wasn’t stalking her, was he?

“Rae!” he said to her when she nearly smacked into him halfway around the outside of the auditorium.

“Hiya!” she said, as if she weren’t feeling nauseated at the thought of what she’d done to him. “What, uh, what are you doing here?”

“I’m ‘sessional lecturing’ here this semester,” he said with a chuckle. “I’m teaching a grad seminar, and I told my students to come see your talk, so…”

“Well, thanks…” She folded her arms nervously. “How are… things?”

“Good, yeah.” He nodded. “I, um, split up with my girlfriend, though.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said as sincerely as she could muster. “Living together didn’t work out?”

“We broke up before she moved in, actually…”

“I see…” Rae couldn’t help but feel responsible for his breakup, but she wasn’t sure if it bothered her or not.

“Anyway, I should probably—“ he began, pointing towards the next building where he’d been heading.

“Look, can I just say, I’m sorry,” she interrupted him. “I shouldn’t have… said any of that stuff, really. But especially the whole, ‘I don’t give a shit about you,’ thing. That were really harsh and I didn’t even mean—”

“It’s all right, Rae. I’m fine with it.”

“Still, I shouldn’ta—”

“I just remembered something,” he said, smirking a little. “You still owe me a coffee.”

“What?”

“From a year ago, yeah?”

“Oh… Right. Are you suggesting…?”

“I’m a bit busy now, but we could meet up after my seminar, around half five, if you’re free.”

“Um, yeah, I guess,” she said. She couldn’t think of any excuses other than her own social discomfort.

“The Spotted Owl is a pub just off campus that does really good coffee,” he added.

“Okay…”

He grinned. “I’ll see you there.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae and Finn catch up after time apart, but Finn's feelings get in the way again.

Rae wandered the campus grounds for a couple of hours while she waited for Finn’s seminar to finish before she headed to the Spotted Owl. When she got there, she could tell it was mostly a place for students to hang out, and she felt like she was standing out as an “old person” until she saw him.

He was leaning on a table with people she assumed were grad students — they looked to be about early-to-mid-twenties but were far too casually dressed to have come from any sort of job. Some were even wearing pyjamas.

Rae approached their table hesitantly and tapped Finn on the shoulder to get his attention.

“Oh, hey!” he said cheerfully when he turned to see her. “These are some of my students,” he added, motioning towards the table of young people. He introduced her to all of them, though she knew she’d never remember their names.

“And you all, of course, recognize Rae from her fantastic talk earlier today,” he said to them as he put his arm around Rae’s shoulders. “We’re old pals.”

“I loved your talk,” one of the girls said to her. “It was so inspiring.”

“Do you guys wanna join us?” said another, squishing over toward her friends in the booth to make some room.

Rae knew there was no way she’d fit in that space.

“Thanks, but we’ve got some catching up to do,” Finn said before she could object to the invitation herself. “See you all next week.”

He led Rae over to an empty table and told her his coffee order so she could go up and buy it for him. By the time she returned with their beverages, another student was standing next to their table and talking to him.

“Uh, we can discuss this during my office hours next week,” he said to her when he noticed Rae was back.

The student looked at Rae and smiled politely before thanking Finn and leaving.

“What was that about?” Rae asked him once the student had left.

“She just needs a bit of advice about her research,” he explained, picking up his cup and checking if it was too hot to take a sip.

“Sure,” she said.

“What?”

“Just, I’d probably want extra advice on my research if my instructor looked like you, too.”

He shook his head but seemed like he was trying not to smile. “All she’s going to get from me is research advice. That’s it.”

“Why? She’s cute. She’s an adult.”

“She’s my student. It’s a conflict of interest.”

“You and your damned morality,” Rae said with a laugh. “It really gets in the way of you having a good time, doesn’t it?”

“I am having a good time,” he replied, taking another tentative sip of his coffee.

“Drinking coffee? With me?”

“Yes.”

“You really enjoy the simple things in life, yeah?”

“With you, nothing is simple…”

***

“I should probably get going,” Finn said as he took a look at his watch.

“You don’t want another round?” Rae asked, holding up her nearly empty glass. After their coffee, they kept chatting for so long that they decided to get some food and drinks, as well.

“I’ve got a long drive ahead of me tonight.” He pushed his nearly full glass towards her. “You can have mine, if you want.”

“Pass,” she said with a sneer. “Wait, why do you have a long drive?”

“My flat’s in Bristol, remember?” he replied, like it should have been obvious.

“You’re not staying here while you work?”

He shrugged. “The commute’s not terrible.”

“Okay, then…” She rolled her eyes as she took another sip of her drink, then set the glass back down. “It is kind of late,” she added slowly. “Wouldn’t you prefer to just stay in town for the night, rather than drive all the way home and back again tomorrow?”

His brow furrowed but he smiled. “And how might I do that?”

***

“Is the school putting you up here?” Finn asked as he looked around Rae’s hotel room, seemingly in awe.

“Nah, I’m just using part of my fee to pay for it myself,” she said. “Didn’t feel like taking the train back and forth from Manchester when I have to do another lecture here tomorrow.”

“I see…” He sat on the bed and felt the duvet cover with his hands. “Is this silk?”

“Okay, I get it,” she said, “it’s a bit ritzy. But it’s the only place that had a room available for the night, and, yes, I have a lot of disposable income, what with having no dependents or anything like that, so I figure it’s okay for me to—”

“I wasn’t saying anything like that,” he cut in. “You don’t need to justify your spending habits to me.”

“I know I don’t, I just… was.”

He smiled and reached out for her. “C’m’ere.”

“What?” she asked coyly as she approached him, placing her hands on his shoulders.

“You know exactly what,” he said with a cheeky grin. He held onto her hips and pulled her down onto his lap so he could kiss her. “I missed you so much.”

She didn’t say anything as she kissed him back. She didn’t know what to say. “I missed you, too,” didn’t seem accurate, though maybe she had missed him a bit. She’d thought about him from time to time over the past few months, since the conference where she totally stuck her foot in it.

He unzipped the side of her skirt and she stood up to let it fall to the floor. He took the opportunity to run his hands over her bandelettes again — he clearly had some sort of fondness for them — before he went about removing her underwear. Standing up, he twirled her around and she landed on the bed with a slight bounce.

“What are you doing?” she asked with a laugh, propping herself up on her elbows to look at him as he kneeled in front of her.

He hooked her legs over his shoulders. “What do you think I’m doing?”

***

“What now?” Rae asked as Finn lay on the bed next to her once they’d finished.

“I… should really be on my way, actually,” he said, his expression growing serious.

“What are you talking about? I thought you were staying.”

“Yeah… but I’m working from home tomorrow, so it’s not even saving me a trip. Besides,” he added as he sat up, “I don’t think it’s such a good idea for me to stay.”

“What? Why not?”

He sighed. “The more time I spend with you, the more time I want to spend with you—”

“Then stay and spend more time with me,” she said, like it was an obvious solution.

“It’ll never be enough time, though, will it?” he said. “I’ll see you in the morning, then you’ll disappear for a few months until I run into you at some conference, by which point I’ll be so happy to see you, I’ll have forgotten how much it kills me to be with you. Rinse and repeat.”

“Finn—”

“You don’t give a shit as long as you get what you want.”

“That’s… not true…” she said uncertainly.

“Look, I’m not holding it against you,” he said, picking up his trousers to put them back on.

She got up and dressed as well while he stood to fasten all the buttons on his shirt.

When they were clothed, he took a step closer to her and put his hand on the side of her face before kissing her again. “I love you, Rae,” he said. “But I can’t see you anymore. And I mean it this time.”

***

Rae didn’t usually attend the Autumn Alumni Weekend at her old university most years since it was just a way for the school to try and get donations out of past students, but she went this year because a few of her friends were going and they figured they’d have their own little reunion together.

There was a breakfast event at the school in the morning, but she and her friends gathered for lunch in the afternoon at one of the pubs that was under the same management from when they used to go as students.

“Rae!” said Andrew, standing up to give Rae a hug.

“Hi, Andy,” said Rae as she patted her friend on the back. “Ruby, Nat, hi,” she added to the other two as she sat down with them. “I heard you guys got married. Congrats.”

Ruby and Natalie exchanged glances and smiled like there was some inside joke going on that Rae wasn’t a part of.

“We know you think marriage is stupid,” Ruby finally said. “But we like it, so…”

“No, really, I’m happy for you,” Rae insisted. Though she did think it was a little stupid to get married when they could have just kept living together like they had been for years. (Why spend all that money for a piece of paper that tells them they can’t sleep with anyone else?)

They looked like they didn’t believe her, anyway, but didn’t seem to care.

“So, you working on another book?” Andrew asked her as he picked up a chip from the shared plate in the middle of the table.

“I’ve got a few ideas kicking around, but nothing…” she replied, then lost her train of thought when she caught a glimpse of the back of someone’s head as he walked through the pub. “…Started yet. Excuse me.”

She followed the person with the head towards the back of the pub until he turned around and she saw that it wasn’t who she thought it was, so she returned to her friends’ table.

“What was that about?” asked Natalie.

“Oh, I thought I recognized someone,” said Rae, “but it was the wrong guy.”

“Someone from uni?”

“Not exactly…”

The others looked at her like that wasn’t a sufficient answer.

“There’s this guy who works at the university as a sessional lecturer,” she began, “only he’s not working here right now, but he still lives in town, so I thought it could possibly be him. Anyway, he’s a… friend, sort of.”

“Sort of?” said Andrew.

“She means she had sex with him,” Ruby said, completely deadpan.

Rae rolled her eyes. “I need a drink.”

***

Was she hallucinating, or was Rae looking at the actual Dr. Finn Nelson, sitting on a bench in the park? It obviously hadn’t been him at the pub, so maybe she was just imagining him here, too. She tried to get closer without attracting attention, but he turned his head and looked right at her — it was definitely him. Shit.

She gave him a small wave and an apologetic smile as she continued walking towards him, figuring it would look silly to stop and turn around now. “Hiya,” she said, folding her arms across her chest like she was cold, even though it was fairly mild out for October.

“Hi…” he said slowly, looking at her with a confused expression. “What… are you doing here?”

“I’m in town for the alumni weekend thing,” she explained. “Just had lunch with some mates down the road there, so I thought I would come walk through the park.”

He gave her a nod of acknowledgement but didn’t say anything.

“So,” she added as she sat down next to him. “Why are you sitting all alone in the park?”

“I’m not alone,” he said with a sigh.

“I know I’m sitting here now, but you were alone a second ago—”

“No, I mean I didn’t come to the park alone.”

“No?” She looked around but didn’t see anyone who seemed to be with him. “Who’d you come with, then?”

A young girl, about five or six years old, came rushing up to their bench, holding out a huge leaf. “Daddy, daddy! Look what I found,” she said excitedly.

“That’s great, buddy,” he said to her as he ruffled her hair, smiling for the first time since Rae showed up.

“I’m gonna get more!” the girl added before she ran off.

Stunned, Rae slowly turned to look at Finn. “So that was…?”

He scratched the back of his head. “My daughter.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae has to process this new information about Finn, and he makes her a proposition.

“I see…” Rae said as she tried to process this new information. “You never mentioned that you…”

“I… didn’t think it was important at the time,” Finn replied, leaning forward in his seat. “I mean, I know you dislike children and—”

“I don’t _dislike_ children!” she argued. She wasn’t that fond of them, though.

“And I didn’t want you to think of me as someone’s dad because I know about some of the shit you went through with your dad,” he continued. “I don’t know. I just… thought it wouldn’t become an issue.”

She stared at him in disbelief. “How could it not become an issue?”

“I only see her one weekend a month,” he explained. “And I only see you every few months. I didn’t think you would overlap. Besides… after last time, I thought I wasn’t going to see you at all anymore.”

“So, you told me about your marriage,” she said, “but you just failed to mention that it produced _this_?”

“Don’t call her _this_.”

“I mean this situation. Parenthood.”

“I figured you’d be weirded out by it,” he said.

“Okay, so I am a little,” she admitted. “It’s more weird that you hid it, though.”

“I’m sorry. But it doesn’t change anything, does it?”

“What do you mean, it doesn’t change anything?” she asked.

“I still want to be with you, and you still don’t want to be with me,” he replied. “It’s not like her existence affects that in any way.”

“What if I did want to be with you?”

“What?”

“Hypothetically. When would you have told me about her?”

“I would have told you about her when you decided you wanted to be with me,” he said.

“I feel like I don’t know you at all…” she said, shaking her head.

“Maybe you don’t.” He looked at his watch and then back towards the play equipment. “Maggie, buddy, it’s time to go!” he called out.

Rae watched as the little girl kept running around the jungle gym. “Why do you call her ‘buddy’?” she asked absently as she observed, still in a bit of shock.

“Because we’re buddies,” he answered. “And I know there will come a day when she’ll be embarrassed to even know me, let alone want to be considered friends with me, so I’m appreciating this while it lasts.”

Rae thought there was something almost endearing about that.

“Margaret Jane Nelson, march your tiny feet over here this instant!” he said loudly towards his daughter, like he was pretending to be angry.

She came running over and started laughing as he picked her up and stood her on the bench between him and Rae.

“Do you wanna say hi to my friend, Rae?” he said to his daughter, pointing her in Rae’s direction.

Maggie turned and buried her head in her dad’s shoulder like she was scared. “No!” she pouted.

“Well, on that note,” Rae said as she stood up.

“Don’t take it personal,” Finn told her. “She’s just shy.”

Rae took a look back at him, holding his cowering daughter, and realized she had no idea what she’d gotten herself into when they first met. “I’ll see you, Finn. Or, I guess, I won’t.”

***

“What are you doing here?” Rae asked, dumbfounded when she answered the door to her flat the following evening to find Finn standing there.

“One of your neighbours let me into the building,” he replied. “Told her I knew you, so…”

“How do you even know where I live?”

“I know an alumnus who was able to access the directory and find your contact information—”

“You know this makes you seem like a stalker, right?” she said.

“I wanted a chance to talk to you.”

“I have a phone.”

“I hate making phone calls.”

“Everyone does! That’s not the point!”

“On the phone, you could hang up on me,” he said, “but now that I’m here, you’ll have to hear me out. I mean, I came all this way to Manchester for you and—”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything,” she said, though she opened the door wider when she saw the dejected look on his face. She stepped aside and waved him into the flat.

“So,” he said once she’d shut the door behind them. “I’ve got a kid.”

“I know.” She wasn’t sure why he was telling her this now.

“I’ve got a kid, and she’s almost six, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he continued seriously. “There’s no excuse for that, I just… You know how you said that relationships are too complicated?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, I didn’t want to complicate whatever sort of non-relationship we had.”

She sighed. “I guess I sort of understand where you’re coming from. It’s not like I’ve told you absolutely everything about me, either.”

“Yeah, but your books—”

“—Only share the stuff I’ve managed to process already,” she said. “I’ve still got secrets, Finn.”

“I suppose that’s fair,” he said. “Though I know I still should have told you about… you know. So, I’m sorry.”

“Is this why you came all the way here? To apologize?” she asked.

“That, and…” he began.

“And…?”

“I couldn’t help thinking that you wouldn’t have been so upset about me lying to you if you didn’t… feel something for me, too.”

She scoffed, like this was a ridiculous accusation, though something nagged at the back of her mind that he could have been onto something. “Maybe… I like spending time with you, is all,” she finally said. “That doesn’t mean I have _feelings_ for you.” She wiggled her fingers in the air on the word, “feelings,” as though it were something creepy.

“So you’d rather not see me at all than try something new?” he asked.

“I… don’t know…”

“Look, I’ve been offered a job in Leeds,” he continued, looking down at his shoes. “And so I was thinking I might move up to Huddersfield where Maggie lives with her mum so I can see her more often. It’s also not that far from here…”

“What are you suggesting?”

“That maybe I could… see you more often, too.”

“I told you, I don’t do—”

“—Relationships, I know,” he cut in. “But you also said you like spending time with me. I’m not trying to take away your _freedom_ or anything. I just thought, maybe there’s something in between being in a relationship and us never seeing each other again?”

She considered what he was saying for a minute. “Is that what you want?”

“I thought avoiding you would make it easier,” he said, “but it didn’t. So I’m willing to try anything.”

“You sure about this?”

“Anything that means I get to…” he added, taking a step towards her and picking up her hand. He gently pulled her closer and slipped his arms around her waist. “…Just be with you.”

“I don’t know,” she replied, avoiding his gaze. “I have to think about it…”

“Okay, I’ll wait,” he said as he continued to hug her around her middle.

She looked at him and noticed the corner of his mouth turned up into a cheeky smirk, like he knew he was going to get his way. “You think you’re real clever, don’t you?” she said.

“Admit it, you kinda, sorta like me,” he replied, still smirking.

“Shut up.” She smiled reluctantly, putting her hands on his arms as though she were about to push him away, but didn’t.

“Rae,” he added, his expression growing more serious. “This is what I want.”

“Won’t you get weird and jealous if I see other people?” she asked.

He winced a little, almost like the thought had never occurred to him. “No, I’ll be fine,” he said.

“Really?”

“Look, I’ve tried the whole monogamy thing several times, and it never works out for me,” he added. “So I’m willing to try just being happy. And you make me happy.”

Her mouth curved into a devilish smile. “I’ll make you happy, alright,” she said, giving him a small shove in the direction of her bedroom.

***

“I s’pose,” Finn said, stroking Rae’s hair as she rested her head on his bare chest, “we should work out the logistics of this, now.”

“The logistics of what?” she asked as she traced squiggles on him with her fingertip.

“How often are we going to see each other?” he said. “Will I come visit you here? Will you come visit me there? Will we meet in the middle? Will we—”

“Can’t we just, you know, wing it?” She laughed a little. “Why do you need to have everything so planned out?”

“That’s just how I am,” he replied. He kissed the top of her head. “I like to know what I’m going to be doing.”

“And I like to keep my options open.”

“Fine,” he said with a sigh, though she could hear the smile in his voice. “We’ll wing it.”

***

“Tell me what you’re wearing.”

Rae couldn’t help but smile as she held the phone to her ear. “Dr. Nelson, are you trying to flirt with me?”

“Maybe,” Finn replied on the other end of the line.

“What are _you_ wearing, then?”

“If I said, ‘nothing,’ would you think I was trying to flirt with you again?”

“Probably,” she said with a small laugh. “I, on the other hand, am fully dressed.”

“That can be fixed,” he said.

“Sorry, not right now,” she added. “I have to leave to meet someone in ten minutes.”

“Who?”

“Just… a friend.”

“Ah.”

“Don’t be like that.”

“Like what?” he asked.

“Jealous,” she said.

“I’m not… jealous. I just didn’t realize you had plans tonight, that’s all.”

“It’s a bit last-minute, or I would have told you sooner,” she said, trying to put her shoes on with one hand.

She heard him exhale heavily. “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s not like you’re standing me up on a real date; it’s just a phone date.”

“It’s just a phone _call_ , Finn.”

“Yeah, but I was trying to make it a sexy phone call.”

“Maybe next time.”

“Wait,” he added. “Before you go, we should figure out what we’re doing this weekend.”

“Okay…”

“I’m going up to Huddersfield Friday to look at a potential flat, which means I’ll be in the area…”

She smiled again, pleased at the thought of seeing him for the first time in several weeks. “Is that so?”

“And I was thinking,” he continued, “that I won’t want to take the train all the way up there and all the way home in one day, so I’d need some place to crash…”

“I’ve got a very comfortable sofa,” she replied cheekily.

“Is that a yes?”

“Assuming I don’t make other plans by then.”

“You won’t.”

***

“How was the flat, then?” Rae asked when Finn arrived at her place.

“Good, yeah,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets like he didn’t know what to do with them. “I move in a couple of weeks, actually.”

“That’s great.” She nodded her head until it felt like it had gone on too long.

“Yeah, so…”

“Yes?”

“I was thinking, you know how Christmas is in a month?” he said nervously.

She was afraid of where he was going with this. “Yeah…”

“I was just wondering if you were going to be heading home to see your family, ‘cause maybe I could give you a ride,” he added.

“You offering to drive me to Lincolnshire?” she said.

“Yeah, if you want.”

“And it’s not…?”

“Not what?”

“Not some ploy to get me to meet your family, is it?” she asked.

He gave her a condescending eyebrow-raise. “I think I know you better than to try something like that on you.”

“Oh, you know me so well, is that it?” she said teasingly as she pulled his hands out of his pockets and put them around her. “What if I said I did want to meet them?”

“Then I’d say you were lying.” He grinned. “But I’d be happy to introduce you.”

“Hmm, pass,” she said, and gave him a kiss.

“Oh, one thing I should tell you, though,” he said, pulling away slightly.

“Oh?”

“It’s just, this year is my year to have Maggie for Christmas,” he began, “so she’ll be along for the ride.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Christmas, Finn tells Rae something he's never shared with anyone before, and she does the same.

“I don’t believe it,” Rae said as she looked in the rearview mirror at the backseat of the car. “Children these days have their own fucking iPads.”

Maggie was sitting in her booster seat, watching cartoons on a tablet with a squishy case around it.

“Language, Rae,” Finn said without diverting his attention from the road.

“She’s got headphones on,” Rae argued.

“They’re not noise-cancelling headphones, though.”

“She won’t even know what it means.”

“She’s six, she’s not stupid,” he said, though there was a hint laughter in his voice.

“Well, my mum swore around me all the time, and I turned out fine,” she replied.

He gave her a sidelong look for a second. “That’s debatable.”

“Oi!” She laughed and swatted him on the arm.

“No hitting!” Maggie piped in from the back of the car.

“That’s right, buddy,” said Finn, glancing in the rearview mirror. “Rae, say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry for hitting you, Finn,” Rae said like she was performing lines in a primary school play.

“I forgive you, Rae.” She noticed him smile a little, like he thought this was ridiculous as well.

She smiled, too, as she leaned her head against the top of her seat. Her smile quickly faded, though. “How much longer is it ‘till we get there?” she whined.

“You are literally being more annoying than a child right now,” he said, in a way that made it clear he was still amused.

“Did you hear that, Maggie?” Rae said in a loud voice, turning to look around the back of her seat.

Maggie looked up from her tablet and frowned.

“Your dad just said that children are annoying,” Rae tattled.

Maggie kept frowning at her for a moment before returning her attention to her tablet.

Rae turned back around in her seat. “She’s in a bit of a mood, isn’t she?” she said quietly to Finn.

“She just likes doing her own thing,” he replied with a shrug.

Rae rolled her eyes and dropped her head back again. She would never understand children.

***

Rae was already waiting by the door when Finn’s car pulled up, ready to rush out and jump right in it with her duffel bag before Finn could even park.

“Hi,” he said, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek once she’d tossed her bag into the back next to Maggie. “How was your Christmas?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said with a sigh.

“That bad?” he asked.

“Just the usual,” she replied. “My mum’s a nightmare. My sister’s a teenager. You remember what teenagers were like when you were one, right?”

“More or less.”

“Well, they’re worse now,” she added. “Technology is terrifying in the hands of youths. Back when we were young, all we had was Ask Jeeves, but now these kids can Google _everything_.”

He chuckled a little as he backed out of the driveway.

“Soon this is going to be your problem.” She nodded towards the rearview mirror to indicate that she was referring to his daughter in the backseat.

“Don’t remind me.”

***

Finn pulled up in front of a cute little terraced house when they got into Huddersfield and parked the car. “I’m just going to drop her off and then I’ll take you home, yeah?” he said to Rae.

“You’re not taking me to the railway station?” she asked.

“I don’t mind taking you all the way home.”

“It’s too much trouble—”

“It’s not too much trouble if I say it’s not.”

Rae didn’t really feel like arguing. “Fine.”

He gave her a gloating smile and got out of the car. He then went around to the back to help Maggie out of her booster seat and get her bags out of the boot. Holding her hand, he walked her up to the door of the house. It was oddly adorable.

Rae wasn’t sure what it was about seeing him with his kid that made her feel sick inside but also a little warm and fuzzy at the same time. She figured she must have been defective, or something.

***

“Do you… want to come up?” Rae said to Finn when he parked in a visitor spot outside her building.

“Um, yeah, sure,” he replied as he turned off the engine. He followed her inside and up the stairs to her flat.

“You all right?” she asked him. She noticed he seemed even more reserved than usual as he hovered in the lounge.

“Yeah, fine,” he said without lifting his head to look at her.

“Wanna have a seat?” she offered.

He looked confused for a second before he seemed to understand what she had said. “Yeah, okay.”

She led him to the sofa and sat down with him. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah, no, I’m fine, it’s just…” He sighed. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of her, but… Rae, I think I’m a really shit parent.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I made my own kid cry at Christmas, Rae,” he said seriously.

“You what?”

“I made her cry. On Christmas day.”

“How’d you manage that?” she asked.

“First, I didn’t get her a Hatchimal or whatever the fuck it is she wanted,” he began. “And then I said she was being ungrateful, so she got more upset and said she wished she had stayed to have Christmas with her mum…”

“Kids say things—”

“Then I told her…” he continued, resting his forehead in his hands. “I told her I wished she had, too.”

“Finn…” she said as sympathetically as she could.

“I didn’t mean it, I just couldn’t take it anymore, you know?”

She nodded and put a hand on his back.

“Sometimes… Sometimes I think…” he added, “that I wish I weren’t her dad.”

“Finn, you’re not… going to leave her, are you?” she asked with concern.

“No!” he said quickly. “Of course not! That’s not…” He hung his head lower. “That’s not what I meant. Just, I’m so terrible at this, Rae.”

“No, you aren’t.” She rubbed his back reassuringly.

“I fucked up my first Christmas alone with my kid,” he said. “If that doesn’t make me terrible, then—”

“Kids cry, alright? They get upset about stupid things sometimes. That doesn’t make you a bad parent,” she said. “And yeah, I know I don’t have any kids, so I don’t actually know what it’s like, but I’ve seen some of the parents that are out there, and you are far from terrible.”

He lifted his head to look at her, and she saw the tears in his eyes. “What if she hates me?” he asked hoarsely.

“She doesn’t hate you; you guys are buddies, remember? C’m’ere,” she said, pulling him in for a hug.

“I’ve never told anyone before,” he said into her shoulder, “but it terrifies me that I think these things sometimes.”

“Everyone has doubts now and then…”

He squeezed her closer, pressing his face firmly against her shoulder.

Everyone has doubts…

***

“Finn?” Rae whispered, like she was trying not to wake him, even though she definitely was. “Are you asleep?”

“What?” he replied groggily as her rolled over to face her.

“I wanted to tell you something,” she said uncertainly. She wasn’t sure if she should tell him, but he’d told her a secret that was difficult to share, and she wanted to give this reciprocity thing a shot.

“What is it?” he said with a yawn.

“You’ve read my books, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So you know a bit about what I went through when I was a teenager,” she said, picking at her nails.

He sat up a bit and cleared his throat. “You mean…?”

“You know how I hurt myself,” she said in confirmation. “And you know that I got better. I took medication. I got treatment.”

“I know.” He put his arm around her.

She took a deep breath. “What you don’t know — what nobody knows — is that… I’m not better.”

“Rae? What are you saying?”

“Two years ago,” she continued, “I had another breakdown. I… I tried to hurt myself again. I managed to stop myself before anything— I wasn’t in the hospital for long that time.”

“What… What happened?”

“It was just sort of a bunch of stuff all together,” she explained. “I’d just turned thirty, which isn’t that big a deal, I know, but I also had a new book coming out and I was under a lot of pressure for it to do well. I was taken off my medication for a while, too, because it looked like I was better. But I’m not. I’m a fraud.”

He nestled his head against her shoulder. “You’re not a fraud,” he said.

“I am.” She could feel tears forming behind her eyes, prickling, burning. “I go around talking to people like I’m better — like I have my shit together — to show them that it’s possible, but it’s not true. I’m just as broken as I’ve always been.”

“Rae…” he said, squeezing her around her middle. “If anything, I think you’re even stronger than you ever were.”

She sniffled. “How’d you figure?”

“You’ve been close to the edge — twice — and you’re still here. You’re tough, Rae.”

She didn’t feel tough, though. She felt weak, crying in front of Finn like this. She’d been making a point not to cry in front of other people since she reached adulthood.

“Hey, c’m’ere,” he added as he put his hand around the side of her head and kissed her on the cheek. “Everyone has doubts now and then.”

***

In the light of morning, Rae wasn’t really sure why she had told Finn about her most recent, secret breakdown. Yes, he had opened up to her regarding his misgivings about being a parent, but that wasn’t exactly the same thing. Besides, he had volunteered that information; she didn’t _owe_ him anything.

She avoided him for the next few weeks, though. She would always say she had plans whenever he wanted to see her. She just couldn’t face him after what happened. She felt vulnerable around him, raw, and she hated that feeling. Her skin got itchy when she thought about him, and how he must have seen her now. He hadn’t signed up for this. He thought he was getting the New and Improved Adult Rae, not a broken, weepy teenage girl.

_“You’re intelligent and passionate and confident,”_ he’d once told her.

But she wasn’t.

She was scared, and full of bullshit. And people kept paying her to spew it, so she did.

How was she supposed to be a role model for young women, though, how was she supposed to be a pillar in the size acceptance movement, when some days she couldn’t even look at herself?

She took a deep breath and got out of bed, heading for the full-length mirror on her closet door. She kept her eyes down as she approached and took a few seconds of steady breathing before she could bring herself to look up at her reflection. She looked tired, she thought. The bags under her eyes were particularly pronounced. And she looked lumpy. She wasn’t wearing a bra under her loungewear, so everything was just sort of hanging there. She tugged at the top of her chest to try and see what her tits would look like if she were just naturally perky, then dropped them with a sigh.

She lifted the bottom of her t-shirt, exposing the bird on the side of her stomach, and stared at it in her reflection for a minute before placing her hand on it and mushing her flesh around. There was just so much of it. She took up too much space.

She shook her head at the thought. No, it wasn’t true. There was no such thing as “taking up too much space” for a person. She knew this. She taught this. This was the very heart of her entire career.

So why couldn’t she believe it about herself?

***

“Finn!” Rae said when he showed up at her door. “I wasn’t expecting you… I told you I had a date, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Finn said with a nod, allowing himself into the flat. “I just wanted to see you beforehand.”

“I don’t really have a lot of time—”

“Why’ve you been avoiding me?” he asked with his arms folded across his chest.

“I’ve just been busy,” she replied.

“That’s a load of crap, and you know it.”

“I thought the whole point of this was that we wouldn’t have to see each other _all the time_.”

“Yeah, but more than _never_ would be nice,” he said. “Is this because of what you told me after Christmas?”

She rolled her eyes, even though he was spot on.

“Look, I don’t care if you think you’re ‘broken’ or whatever—”

“Well, maybe you should care!” she snapped.

“What?”

“You shouldn’t be with someone like me…”

“What do you mean, _someone like you_?” he said, frowning.

“You should be with someone else,” she said as tears prickled her eyes again. “Someone normal.”

“First of all, ‘normal’ is a load of bollocks,” he replied angrily. “And second, you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t fancy, all right? That belongs to me! No one else, not even you!”

She lowered her head. “Why would you even want to put up with my bullshit?” she asked.

“I love you, Rae, bullshit and all.”

“Why?”

“I dunno, I just do—”

“But _why_?”

“Because I do!” he shouted. “That’s it!”

“Oh, yeah? Well,” she said in a huff, “I love you, too!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Rae's confession, she and Finn negotiate the new terms of their relationship.

Finn looked taken aback by Rae’s statement; she was a bit surprised by it, herself.

“You what?” he asked.

“Uh, I just mean…” she began. She wasn’t exactly sure what she meant, though.

“You love me,” he said, nodding.

“Not, like, _that_ way. I meant it—”

“You love me,” he repeated, delight in his eyes.

“It’s not a big deal,” she said. “We’ve just become good friends, right?”

He took a step closer, shaking his head. “You love me.”

“You know, I _care_ about you as a person, yes, so I love you in that sort of way, but I’m not, like, _in love_ with you,” she said.

“Okay,” he replied with a shrug.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Really?”

A grin slowly spread across his face and he stepped even closer. “It’s fine because I know you’re lying.”

“I’m not… lying,” she replied, failing at her attempts not to smile as well.

“Why is it such a terrible thing, anyway?” he asked.

“I already told you, romantic love leads to possessiveness—”

“And jealousy and fear of loneliness, I know,” he said, still smiling. “But I also told you that it doesn’t have to. I love you, for instance, yet I don’t feel possessive. I don’t feel like I own you.”

“Okay, but—”

“And I’m not jealous that you have a date with someone else,” he continued more seriously. “I mean, yes, I’d rather spend all my time with you, but I understand that that’s not possible, so I’m accepting of that, see? We can make up our own rules.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we should face the facts; we’re in a relationship, whether you like it or not. It may not be traditional, but we’re in love and I’m committed to you, no matter who else you date.”

She avoided his gaze shyly. “I… don’t really have a date tonight,” she admitted. When she finally looked at him, he was smiling again.

“I figured as much,” he said, seeming far too pleased with himself.

“I could have easily had a date if I wanted, though,” she added.

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because… Because I—”

“Because you love me?” He smirked again.

“My feelings about you and my current lack of interest in other people have nothing to do with each other,” she said defensively.

“Are you sure about that?”

“It’s just normal fluctuations in my sex drive causing me to lose interest in dating at the moment, nothing more than that.”

“Okay, I believe you.” He smiled in a way that suggested he did not believe her, though.

“Why are you so annoying?” she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

“You love it,” he said as he tugged her arms apart to hug her. “You love _me_.”

“Fine, yes, I love you!” she blurted out in frustration, pushing him back a little. “I love you and I don’t want to date other people because I love you, and that is sick and wrong and I hate it and—”

“Whoa, hey,” he said, stroking her reassuringly on the arms as his smile faded. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It’s just so… gross.”

“It would be gross if you were forced to be monogamous against your will, yes,” he replied. “But this is a choice you make for yourself. It’s how you feel, and that can’t be wrong or gross.”

“What does this mean, then?” she said, looking down at the logo on his jacket because she couldn’t bear to make eye contact with him yet. “I mean, how does this… work?”

“However you want it to, Rae.”

“I… I need to think about this for a while,” she added, pushing him away slightly. “Alone.”

***

It took Rae a few days to come to terms with her epiphany regarding her feelings for Finn. She’d only ever felt like this about someone once before, and it had ended very, very badly.

She didn’t like to talk about it. She didn’t like to think about it. About that time when she poured her heart into another person only to have it chewed up and spat back out at her.

It wasn’t the fact that he had cheated on her — she didn’t believe in the concept of “cheating” anyway.

It was the way he made her hate herself.

Realistically, she knew that Finn wasn’t like that. Finn really loved her. He treated her like a goddess. He didn’t tell her to hide parts of her body or her personality that he deemed objectionable.

He didn’t tell her that no one else would ever love her.

Even so, it scared her to be vulnerable like that again. To open herself up completely.

And there was one other thing that concerned her about committing to an actual relationship with Finn, something that she knew was non-negotiable…

***

“What about your daughter?” Rae asked Finn when she called him, without even saying hello.

“Who is this?” he replied croakily, clearly having just woken up as it was the middle of the night. “Rae? Why are you calling? Is everything all right?”

“What about your daughter?” she repeated.

“What about her? She’s fine,” he said. “She’s asleep in the other room.”

“She’s at your place right now?”

“That’s why I couldn’t see you this weekend, remember?”

“Okay, see, well, that’s sort of my question,” she said. “How do I fit into your life… with her?”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s going to be an important part of your life forever, and I’m—” She stopped herself from saying, “not.”

“You’re an important part of my life, too.”

“Yeah, but not as important, right?” She could hear blankets rustling, like he was sitting up in bed.

“Rae… I can’t… You know I love you, but she’s my daughter,” he said. “Nothing’s more important than that.”

“I know, and I’m not trying to say that I should be,” she added quickly, realizing that it sounded like she was asking him to choose between the two of them. “I just mean, she comes first, so then where do I fit?”

He sighed heavily. “I… I don’t know yet.”

“I mean, you told me you can’t see me this weekend because she’s with you.”

“I just figured, you know, you wouldn’t want to spend time with both of us.”

“So I don’t get to see you at all when she’s around?” she asked.

“The thing is, I can tell she makes you uncomfortable and, honestly, I worry that you’ll make her uncomfortable, too,” he said after a minute.

She wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She was a little offended, but part of her knew it was true, and that’s what scared her about this whole situation. Eventually Finn was going to have to choose, and he would always choose his daughter — as he rightly should.

“I’m torn,” he added quietly. “I so badly want to make you happy, and part of me wishes I could just ditch my parental responsibilities for you. But I can’t do that.”

“So what sort of future do you see for us, Finn?” Rae finally said, her voice quavering. “Are you just going to live two separate lives, one with me and one with her?”

“It’s complicated, I know, but maybe in time the two can merge, right?”

“And how long will that take?” she asked. “How long will I have to stay at arm’s length from you?”

“I don’t have this all figured out yet, Rae,” he said. “Unless…”

“Unless what?”

“I hesitate to even ask this, but if you’re willing to try harder to get to know her, without judgment or reservation, then maybe it can work…”

“But I don’t know how to talk to her.”

“I know she’s a little hard to reach—”

“I mean, I don’t know how to talk to any kid,” she added.

“Just talk to them like they’re people, because they are,” he said. “You talk to all sorts of people all the time.”

“That’s different.”

“Are you even willing to try? ‘Cause if not, you’ll have to just be happy with things the way they are now.”

She held onto her forehead with her free hand and took a deep breath. “Okay…”

***

Rae sat in Finn’s lounge, tapping her foot anxiously. She’d never been left alone in his flat before, but she had spent the previous night there and stayed all day, responding to emails while he went to work. That wasn’t what made her anxious, though.

On his way home from work, Finn was picking up his daughter from school and bringing her ‘round. It was going to be the first time Rae saw her since Christmas, and Rae knew she would have to try her best to get along with her, for Finn’s sake.

She wasn’t sure exactly what it was about children that terrified her so much — except for her little sister — but she figured it probably had something to do with her mother. Rae knew she never wanted to become _that_.

She looked up when she heard a key in the lock at the front door, but she didn’t move. She wasn’t ready.

The door opened and she could hear the sound of Finn taking off his shoes and jacket, but couldn’t see him from where she was sitting.

“You’ve gotta take your boots off first, buddy,” she heard him say right before his daughter appeared in the doorway of the lounge in full winter wear.

Rae stood up out of panic, and Maggie froze before rushing back to the entryway.

Finn appeared a minute later, with Maggie at his side. “You remember my friend Rae, right?” he said to her as he coaxed her into the room.

She nodded but cowered behind his leg.

“Hi, Maggie,” Rae said as friendly as she could, given the circumstances.

Maggie didn’t respond.

Finn looked over at Rae and smiled apologetically. “Hi, by the way,” he added as he walked towards her and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

“Yeah, hi,” she said.

Finn looked back at his daughter, who was still hovering by the doorway. “You want a snack, buddy?” he asked, heading towards the kitchen.

She nodded again and edged her way towards him, seemingly to keep as much distance between herself and Rae as possible. Rae followed them, realizing it was her job as the grown-up to reach out and make the effort.

Maggie took a seat at the kitchen table as Finn started slicing an apple for her, and Rae sat down across from her.

“How was school, Maggie?” Rae asked her, trying not to sound as awkward as she felt.

Maggie frowned at her for a second before looking out the window.

Rae looked over at Finn and mouthed the word, “Help,” but he just smiled like he found it amusing.

He joined them a minute later with a small bowl of apple slices and set it in front of his daughter. She picked up a piece and started to eat the middle out of it.

“Aren’t you going to eat the peel, Mags?” he asked her when she began eating the middle out of the next slice.

She scrunched up her nose in disgust. “I don’t like it.”

“But that’s where all the nutrients are,” he said. “It’s good for you.”

“Don’t worry,” Rae said to her, “I hate the peel, too. It’s gross.”

Maggie looked at her and smiled for the first time ever, continuing to eat just the middle of her apple.

Finn shot Rae a glance as if to say, “That’s not helping,” and she smiled as well. Perhaps this wouldn’t be so terrible.

***

“Personal experiences, I believe, are crucial in order to understand the effects of harmful social norms on individuals,” Rae said to the crowd sitting in front of her, who were listening intently.

“I’ve shared many of my personal experiences in my previous books,” she continued. “Mental illness, body issues, family struggles. And though my experiences are not identical to anyone else’s, I have been able to reach so many people with my anecdotes — and analyses of them. People who can relate, and that is so important.

“But there’s a lot about me that I’ve never shared before.

“For instance, I’ve made my living doing talks about body positivity, yet I’ve never told anyone that there are still times when I hate my body. I write about how every person has value, how we are each _enough_ , and yet there are many days when I feel like I am _not_ _enough_.

“And I’m an advocate of romantic freedom — the ability to be with whichever and however many people one desires without restriction. I thought that meant monogamy was toxic. Yes, compulsory monogamy, like compulsory heterosexuality, is toxic. But it had never occurred to me that someone might actually desire a single partner, even given the freedom to choose more than one.

“I didn’t understand until it happened to me.

“I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with the same partner for the past year. He even has a kid from a previous marriage. That’s two things I never expected to have or want in my life; a sole partner and a child. But I love them both so much, I can no longer imagine my life without them.

“And I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being a hypocrite. How can I tout the benefits of a non-monogamous, non-heteronormative lifestyle when I go home to the same man every night and help him tuck in his child? How can I say one thing and do another?

“Really, the question is, how do I balance my private and public lives?

“That’s exactly what I try to explore in my latest book, ‘Private Lives and Public Speaking.’ How do we choose which parts of ourselves to share with the world? What sort of image of ourselves are we trying to project, and why?”

She looked up from her notes and scanned the audience until she spotted a familiar face in the third row. Finn winked at her and she smiled. “Any questions?”


End file.
